SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

Ms Yukako Matsuda

My name is Yukako Matsuda, and I am from the External Relations group at headquarters. Last year, I came to the UK for my master’s degree and studied at SOAS University of London. Today, I would like to share my experiences in the UK. Although I had many beautiful moments throughout the year, I also faced challenging encounters.

When I started my academic year, I encountered various challenges. One of the difficult things for me was the way to communicate with others during seminars and discussions. In the seminar, students often insisted on their thoughts and did not listen to others. They initially started their thoughts until they could thoroughly explain them, and they frequently interrupted each other. I was shocked by these attitudes because they were all considered rude actions for me.

I value listening to others carefully and gently and waiting for them to finish before expressing my thoughts. Therefore, the attitudes of only insisting on their thoughts, not listening to others but interrupting others, were unacceptable to me.

I maintained my attitude of listening first and then sharing my thoughts. However, one student saw my attitude and said, “It’s unfair that you avoid speaking first. You must be forming your thoughts while others are speaking, right?” I was really shocked by this word because the time I listened to others was not for my preparation but for understanding what others thought. However, although I listened to others’ thoughts and did not organise my ideas during their talking, I was regarded as a person who did not prepare thoughts or who imitated others. It seemed unfair if I did not insist on my thoughts strongly or cut down the others talking and saying anything. My attitude of listening to others first was inappropriate, so from this time, I started to struggle with how I communicate with others.

I attempted to change my style. For instance, I stated my thoughts first and then listened to others. But sometimes it wasn’t easy because there were very assertive students. Therefore, in this situation, I needed to find some space and cut down on the talking to say my ideas. However, this took much work. I felt I interrupted others’ talking even though they did not care. Moreover, I could not concentrate on what others said since my listening attitude came to focus on how to react and answer the people rather than carefully understanding what they were saying.

Through these actions, I felt uncomfortable because my actions conflicted with the values I had been embracing of listening carefully and respectfully. However, my surroundings did not accept it, and I could not take the other students’ values of insisting on ideas and not listening to others. I felt difficulty adjusting to the diverse approaches while keeping my values, which led me to question whether my commitment to my way was selfish.

At that time, I spoke with Rev Hosoya about my mindset, and he gave me the words, “You are okay because you have faith. Those without faith may follow selfish desires or others, but faith allows you to live guided by the Buddha. Don’t worry, and this is the strength of having faith”. His words gave me relief from anxiety, and I thought I could find a way to respect them and myself.

Several days later, I read an essay about the conversational differences between Westen and Japan. The essay explained that the Western conversation style is like tennis or volleyball, while the Japanese style is like bowling. In the West, if someone starts the topic or a conversation ball, others must hit it back. People expect to keep rallying, and there is no waiting queue, so they try to hit the ball not to stop the game. However, Japanese conversation is different. People wait for their turn, and there is always a suitable pause between turns without rush and impatience. After reading this essay, I realised the source of my discomfort and how to adapt my communication style in English. I thought people interrupted others in the middle of their talking and argued their thoughts, but actually, they returned or hit the ball to the starters. I thought they did not listen to others, but they acted as listeners respectfully and in a different way from me, who has a Japanese background. After understanding this, I tried to hit the ball to rally with remaining my mind to listen to others carefully and gently.

There were still some struggles in daily life, but I had many tasks I had to do for my studies, so I just lived my life without facing my sufferings. However, during the reading week in term 2, my mind exploded. What made me depressed was the quarrel with my loved one. Between Japan and the UK, there are 9-hour differences. His morning was my bedtime, and his time after work was when I was taking lectures, so usually, we exchanged simple messages every morning and night and had video calls on weekends. Yet, sometimes, we could not arrange our schedule, so there were times when we could not talk for two weeks or more. Even though we exchanged messages daily, sometimes he did not message me or sent only routines such as good morning and good night, so gradually, I felt lonely and unvalued. However, I could not express my dissatisfaction because I made this situation, studying in the UK and separated from him. I thought I did not deserve to be dissatisfied and tell him my feelings. Therefore, I tried to understand him, persuade myself that he looked at me, and ignore my dissatisfaction with him. However, I could no longer hold them in my mind during the reading week, and I could do nothing even though I had an assessment submission deadline approaching. I thought, “I must face myself”. Then, I began to listen to my thoughts deeply and verbalise. By reflecting deeply and writing down my thoughts, I realised I had been exaggerating my resilience not only regarding him but also all of my life in the UK.

After coming to the UK, I lied and pretended to be okay when I was not. When I felt hard and did not want to do anything, I encouraged myself as “I should do it” or “I can do it”. I thought this was not hard compared to others or my past challenging experiences. When I felt dissatisfaction, such as missing my partner or something, I told myself, “I should appreciate this environment. Not everyone can get this opportunity, and thanks to a lot, I am here. Also, I am surrounded by warm and nice people, so the environment is great. Why do I feel a lack in this worthy environment?”

Moreover, I felt the pressure or expectations from others. I came to the UK as a sponsored student from Rissho Kosei-kai, so I thought I should do something and needed to improve my abilities to be helpful. Yet, the reality was not, so I felt inadequate as a person who got a great opportunity. Even though I thought hard, I could not complain because I was in a great moment.

I wanted to be a person who lived with gratitude because I thought this was the ideal state as a Buddhist practitioner. I felt bad when finding anything missing. Therefore, I pretended my mind and escaped my suffering deeply. The cause that made me suffer was that I could not accept feeling lacking and inadequate. However, once I could accept myself as I was, my mind became confident and comfortable.

Then, I thought I did not know he might be dissatisfied with me, so I asked him. He told me his thoughts, including feelings of lack, and I could also tell what I felt about him. His actual thoughts made me realise how I was self-centred. Spending time together with a loved one may be ordinary, but because I am here, we can’t do what many people can do. He had endured a lot; however, he had never told me that before I asked him. He also told me, “You and I decided on this situation of you studying abroad, so if there were struggles because of this separated situation, you should tell me, and we can overcome together”. Through sharing our thoughts, we could get closer, understand each other more and find a way to feel comfortable and value each other.

Moreover, after accepting my imperfections, I became a person who could accept others more. When my friends complained about their situation, I could listen to them and thought they were great just the way they were. If I had not been able to accept my weakness, I might have listened to their words superficially or might have transferred their complaints to others. However, I understand that even though they are dissatisfied, they have ideals or something they want to achieve, and that’s why they complain. I can simply accept my friends despite their thoughts, situations and anything. Accepting my imperfections was hard for me, but I think I can be more patient with others and myself after accepting them.

Throughout the year, I faced many internal conflicts. I wanted to be a good person and achieve my goals, but sometimes, I wasn’t good enough to pursue them. Approval of my inadequacy needed courage because I was afraid to show weakness and be seen as helpless or judged. However, once I could embrace myself, I was relieved from many chains which tied and suffered me. I could accept my weakness because of the people around me: The Sangha in RKUK London Buddhist Centre, my partner, family and friends. They gave me the sense of security to embrace my true self. Even when I showed weakness, they listened to my thoughts sincerely and did not judge me. They did not think about whether I was valuable; they believed me as a person with the same seed as the Buddha and waited for me until I could overcome my suffering. Thanks to them, I could accept myself, who has strengths and weaknesses.

Suffering often brings negative emotions such as struggle or anxiety, but it also offers the opportunities to embody the Dharma and take a step toward buddhahood. Even though I learned this fact many times, I understood it only in my head and not in my heart. However, through staying in the UK, I met various sufferings within me and with others, and these experiences gave me many chances to understand deeply and digest suffering as an entrance to our liberation.

Therefore, I would like to pledge my vow to be a person who practises the Dharma, believes in the Buddha in everyone and helps others recognise their potential. Lastly, I really appreciate the Sangha. I could live, study and practise in the UK thanks to you. And also, today, thank you very much for giving me a great opportunity to share my journey and for listening.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you again.
Gassho